It’s quite profound to be starting off a blog with a post about a heartbreak. To hell with that, I have spent a good half of my life thinking about what other people has to say. So now, I’m changing that.
Today, I’ve made a decision to free myself of worry, guilt and sadness. Today, I’ve broken my own heart and someone else’s out there. I’ve given it that much thought, looked at every angle, weighed every bit of love I was capable of, and it boiled down to letting him go. You must say I’m selfish or that I give up easily, one way or the other, I cannot fault you. Say what you must say.
I have my reasons. It may seem vague. Yes, in fact, I recognize just how vague it is for you. But really, you need not understand everything. I was trying, trying so hard to be happy. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t be my own self around him, I’m not 100% with him, around him. And deep down, I knew it wasn’t fair – first and foremost, to him, to me, and to the relationship we both were trying to keep.
I couldn’t stand to let it go further, because sooner or later, I know he would feel it, I know he will realize just how cold and distant I am, I know he will see how much I was faking to keep it together. And he won’t forgive himself. Because if you truly love someone, you always, always put their happiness before yours.
And who was I fooling? Myself? Maybe “fooling” is not the right term. Maybe, I was trying to convince myself that I’d grow into it, learn it, like most things. Who doesn’t learn to love anyway? But I couldn’t risk it and put him through such torment. I couldn’t bear to give him reasons to doubt me every day of our lives. I couldn’t live to appease him with things I so badly wished were true. I couldn’t keep him to myself when I know he deserves a good, better woman than me.
To this dear lover, know this. I loved you and I will always love you. I’m sorry this has to come at a time like this. Thank you for everything. Take care and do not do anything close to stupid and reckless. You will always have a special place in my heart. And contrary to what people tell you about broken hearts, I don’t believe mine was ever broken, because even when we’re not together, you will always have that one part which makes it whole. Again and again.